Ralph Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Ralph was one his way home from work on night, when to his horror, he suddenly realized that he'd completely forgotten his daughter's birthday.
He rushed to the toy store and asked the manager, "How much is the Barbie in the window?"
"Which one?" The manager replied. "We have Workout Barbie for $19.95, Malibu Barbie for $19.95, Soccer Barbie is 19.95, Cinderella Barbie $19.95, Retro '70's Barbie $19.95, and Divorced Barbie $375."
"Hold on," Ralph said. "Why is Divorced Barbie $375 when all the other Barbies are only $19.95?"
"Well," said the store manager. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture... "

Ralph's father said, "Let me see your report card."
Ralph replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He
walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in
here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!
True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was
standing on the tables, looking very nervous.
"But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt
anyone!" However, the bartender is adamant. "If," the man
continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he
stay?"
"Well, I guess so," says the bartender, "however, you're going to
have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that tha
alligator is tame!"
The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts,
"Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his
fist "BANG BANG more...

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

It was the morning of Ralph's birthday and there was a knock on the door. "Telegram!"
Filled with excitement, Ralph opened the door and asked the messenger boy standing before him, "Is it a singing telegram?"
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore," the messenger replied.
"Oh, but I've always wanted to receive a singing telegram," a disappointed Ralph moaned. "Couldn't you just bend the rules a little and make an old man happy?"
"I'm sorry, sir," replied the messenger.
"Please," Ralph pleaded, "after all, today is my birthday."
"Alright, sir, if you insist," the messenger said. "Dah-dah dah... dah-dah-dah, your sister Rose is dead!"

It seems a new widow was upset with the director of the local funeral parlor. "I brought his dark blue suit in here. That's what he always wore. You've dressed him in this shabby beige one. I'm really displeased!" the grieving woman lamented.Rubbing his hands in anguish, the funeral parlor director, fearful of the woman's telling others about his mistake and giving his competitor down the street some satisfaction, assured the lady the error would be soon corrected. "Please have a seat right here," the director urged the woman. "It won't take long, I assure you!"The woman sat down, took out a hankie and dabbed at her eyes, fighting back the tears that would not seem to stop since she lost her dearly beloved husband. No sooner than she had tucked the moistened cloth back in her purse, the doors to the preparation room" swung open, the modest casket being rolled back into the viewing room. She hurried over. "Oh, yes, that's dear Ralph! That's more more...