"Football Truisms" joke

Editor's Note: Not really all humor, unless you consider grown men in tights slapping each others asses funny...

#1. Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
' Football is only a game.
Spiritual things are eternal.
Nevertheless, Beat Texas'

#2.' After you retire from football, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#3.' The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#4.' When you win, nothing hurts.' Joe Namath / Alabama

#5.' Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#6.' If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password,' Roll, tide, roll!' Bear Bryant / Alabama

#7.' A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#8.' There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' Woody Hayes / Ohio State

#9.' I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' Bob Devaney / Nebraska

#10.' In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' Wally Butts / Georgia

#11.' You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' Paul Dietzel / LSU

#12.' It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

#13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.' No, but you can see it from here.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas. ..

#14.' I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

#15.' There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.' Matty Bell / SMU

#16.' Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#17.' I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' Alex Karras / Iowa

#18.' My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

#19.' I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#20.' Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David..' Shug Jordan / Auburn

#21.' They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' Darrell Royal / Texas

#22.' Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#23.' They whipped us like a tied up goat.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#24.' I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said:' Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

#25.' Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#26.' Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:' All those who need showers, take them.' John McKay / USC

#28.' If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' Murray Warmath / Minnesota

#29.' The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#30.' Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#31.' It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#32.' We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.' Darrell Royal / Texas

#33.' We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

#34.' Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. Darrell Royal / University of Texas

#35.' I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#36.' Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' John Heisman