Emails Jokes

1. Open an executable file on my machine. Please don't send any.
1a. Open Word documents (notorious for their embedded macros, possibly infected). (Get WordPerfect, at least its got a spell checker that's literate.) Please don't send any.
2. Read or pass on ANY kind of chain letter. Please don't send any.
3. Read a message that's been forwarded multiple times and is embedded three or more emails deep. If it's worth sending, it's worth copying and pasting; I receive too many emails to go up to my waist in any particular one, or read through 2 screens of email addresses. Please don't send any.
Why?
Because. .. I don't have "Microsoft" patience.

1. Open an executable file on my machine. Please don't send any.
1a. Open Word documents (notorious for their embedded macros, possibly infected). (Get WordPerfect, at least its got a spell checker that's literate.) Please don't send any.
2. Read or pass on ANY kind of chain letter. Please don't send any.
3. Read a message that's been forwarded multiple times and is embedded three or more emails deep. If it's worth sending, it's worth copying and pasting; I receive too many emails to go up to my waist in any particular one, or read through 2 screens of email addresses. Please don't send any.
Why?
Because... I don't have "Microsoft" patience.

Top Marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind.

All was fine,' til they realised that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software.

They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses,

My Christmas Emails
I have a list of folks I know
all written my computer data base.
And every year at Christmas time,
I go and take a look at my data base.
And that is when I realize
that these names are a part....
Not in the data base they are written in
but of my very heart.

For I am but a total
of the many folks I've met,
And you happen to be one of those
I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you
for many years or a few hours
In some way you have had a part
of shaping things I do.

So never think my Christmas Emails
are just a mere routine
of names put on a computer list
and forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas Email
that is addressed to you...
It is because you're on that list of folks
that I'm indebted to.

THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40-gallon drum. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease. I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me. I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover. I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with more...